The Stages of Plant Parenting

The Stages of Plant Parenting

The Stages of plant parenting are akin to the stages of plant growth and development. They go a little something like this: germination, root formation, shoot formation, vegetative growth, flower formation, pollination, fruit production, ripening, and finally seed distribution.

1. Germination
   Think about the first time you walked into a plant shop. You took deep breath of fresh greenhouse air, your mind became clear, your thoughts became tranquil, and you body moved through the store as if weightless. You felt overwhelmed like a tiny seed in a mound of fresh soil. How will I ever pick just one? How will I emerge from this store with my wallet intact? And so, you were swallowed up by the foliage and juicy vines that surround you. Reborn are you - a plant parent - twirling and dancing down the aisles, pothos and sansevieria in hand.
   
   
2. Root Formation
   This is where you start to build your network. You join a plant group on social media, consume plant blogs as if they are fodder for your planty knowledge desires. Liking and tweeting, clicking and scrolling. Your fingers are raw from checking the soil moisture of each plant, every waking moment of the day. Each leaf is shiny as the sun.
   
   
3. Shoot Formation
   Alas, a new leaf emerges. You pop a cork, but wait it’s only 9 am on a Tuesday. You crown yourself the greatest plant parent that ever lived. Those feel-good neurotransmitters coat the neurons of your brain signaling it’s time to but another plant, or two, or twenty.
   
   
4. Vegetative Growth
   Your confidence grows as you settle in on the specimens you love most. You count down the days of the week in hash tags - #monsteramonday, #tetrasperamatuesday, #waxplantwednesday, #trailingthursday, and #philodendronfriday. You spend your weekends at the plant store. You even start to visit plant stores on vacation (and you secretly plan your vacations around plant stores).
   
   
5. Flower Formation
   The joy in this journey is blossoming all around you. You know all the ingredients of organic soil. You might have even tasted it! You are brewing your own compost tea to fertilize your plants, and you are looking at stock in Neem Oil distilleries. You are about a year in and already need more space for plants.  
   
   
6. Pollination
   A cycle you can never emerge from. I bought a new pot, now I need a new plant. Ope, I bought two new plants, now I need a new pot. And so on and so forth. The garden center creates a visceral pull in the depths of your innards. Like a moth to a flame, you Janet Jackson yourself to the plant store every weekend. You even skip brunch to be the first one in the door.
   
   
7. Fruit Production
   All of your friends have the first name “@”, as in their Instagram handle followed by a quippy plant pun. @growwiththeflow has moved into the bestie position while @mosshysteria is now coming to YOU for planty advice. Ahh the fruits of your labor.
   
   
8. Ripening
   You are now the Delta of plant parenting, “Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.” You are on the way to Malcom Gladwell greatness – 10,000 hours of intensive practice to achieve mastery of a complex skill. Your collection includes a wide variety of plant parent favorites, rare finds, trailing tendrils, larger specimens, and blooming beauties.
   
   
9. Seed Distribution
   Propagation, the highest peak in the plant parent’s hierarchy of needs. You made it and now you make more. You might even make money on your plants, but mostly you just pass out your propagules to propagate the love of plants. Plant swaps are your favorite holiday and the greatest gift you ever received was a gift card to your favorite greenhouse, Tonkadale!